The testimony of a relentless soul

We like to say things like “stay true to yourself”. The reality is, we overestimate our capacity to be completely honest with ourselves. There’s a reason why diaries, meditation, and psychotherapy exist. We need to break through walls and walls before we can truly reach in to our “inner voice”. I have always believed that one of the people hardest to get to know is myself.

An example of these walls is our ability to list out reasons (note that this is different from the ability to reason). I experienced this when I went through recruiting in my sophomore and junior year in college. With a bit of preparation, it’s not too difficult to “reason out” why you are applying for a certain job. A few days of diligent reading in theory of persuasion further equip you to convince the interviewer that you are THE person for the job. The question is, is it the company for you? 

There’s danger in being good at persuasion. Sometimes, you unconsciously persuade yourself as well. When your beliefs and behavior oppose each other, you are motivated to reduce the dissonance through changes in behavior or changes in beliefs. This means that as beliefs can affect behavior, behavior can also affect beliefs. Social psychologist Leon Festinger called this Theory of Cognitive Dissonance. I like to call it “internalizing the external”. 

In this case, perhaps it’s not entirely about the choices you are making. Perhaps listing reasons is not the best way of evaluating whether you are making the right choice. We need to be cautious of our reasons, one of the most common I have heard is: “This is a great job. I’ll learn a lot from it, it’s a great stepping stone to success”. There’s an infinite amount of things we can learn, you can practically “learn something” everywhere, that’s why we embrace the term “lifelong education”. The truth is, we can’t learn everything, and the key is choosing what to learn. Choice implies priorities, and the best way to evaluate your current choice is to think about what you have forgo. Economists call this opportunity cost. If your opportunity cost is higher than the value of your choice, then you are by definition not being rational. To give a concrete example, if your utmost passion is making important films, or starting your own company, it doesn’t matter if you can list out hundreds of reasons why you should be an investment banker or a consultant, you are forgoing your first choice.               

Life is obviously not that simple. Sometimes, we have to forgo our first choice in the short term for constraints such as financial security or lack of industry knowledge.   But the key here is to be conscious of the fact that it is your second choice, and that you should avoid internalizing it to be your best choice, no matter what you tell your interviewers or your friends. Don’t compromise. No matter how compelling your status quo is, you are not living up your potential if your are forgoing something you are most driven to do. 

Some inventions are hip and sexy, others just warm your heart. Video games are usually the former. But when I stumbled upon this company called Critical Gameplay at a computer art fair in Paris, I had the pleasure to be exposed to some thought-provocative games that embody both qualities.

Critical Gameplay’s mission is to create a collection of “strategically designed” video games which seek to help reevaluate our perspective on gameplay experiences. As Critical Cartography changes the way we perceive the world, Critical Gameplay seeks to offer alternatives perspectives on the way we play. 

Let me give you a specific example. What is one of the most common forms of an RPG (role-playing game)? Shooting. It doesn’t matter what the storyline is- it can be the second world war, or some ancient Chinese battles. Essentially, you are destroying obstacles or enemies to achieve victory or a specific goal. Interesting questions to ask would be: are the games encouraging a binary world of enemies and adversaires? What are some assumptions that avid gamers might have internalized?

Critical Gameplay does not attempt to answer these questions, but rather, open up the dialogue by creating alternatives. An alternative directly in respond to the example above is a game called “Healer”. Instead of shooting characters, players must heal victims of historical massacres (the one I tried was based on the Nanjing Massacre). The player can reverse death, by pulling bullets from the victims. The soldiers that committed the massacres are still lurking, so the player must work to keep the recently revived alive. The player can also put themselves between the bullet and the target or strategize to reverse the tragedy. 

Another game that brought a big grin on my face was “Big Hugging”. The premise is that the world of human computer interaction is an impersonal one, where touch is mediated through glass and plastic. So this game replaces your controller with a custom teddy bear controller size of a 5-year-old child. Players complete the game by providing several well-timed hugs to the teddy bear. It is “an experiment and gesture in alternative interface”, and replaces firing toy guns with a physical expression of affection. It’s quite fun to play, and even more fun to watch hardcore gamers enjoy some intimacy with the “remote control”. 

You can watch videos of players trying out these games here. 

I recently read a book about Theodor Adorno’s (a leading member of the Frankfurt school of critical theory) differentiation between high culture and pop culture. He believes that “high” culture is “dialectical” and in conversation with its past, while “pop” is non-dialectical or defined by formulaic artisanship. Video games have always been closer to pop art, but Critical Gameplay blurs the line by taking up the role of challenging assumptions in the mainstream video games and creating alternatives. In a way, it is conversing with game creators in the past who set up the premises present in most video games.

It is frightening how much we allow ourselves to internalize conventions and values. Alternatives are nice because they bring us out of this monochromatic status quo. These games have been displayed on a tour for a while now, promise me you will go check them out when they come to your city.  

Between August and December of 2012, I traveled to 10 countries, 25 cities in Europe. My biggest takeaway, aside from the memories and encounters, is a thick pile of scattered notes, inspirations, and thoughts currently sitting on my desk. 

The downside of traveling so extensively in such short a period of time is that I barely have time to fully embrace all the “eureka moments” that popped up- they can be a theme for a series of paintings, an insight inspired by a conversation, or a discovery about myself. Developing an idea takes time, and when I only had a week to see a city, I didn’t want to waste time writing in my room. So what I have learnt is how to capture ideas with very few words and sketches in my notebook. They have to be concise enough to not take up too much time, but extensive enough to help me recall the full eureka moment despite being thousand of miles away from the actual spot. This allowed me to fully indulge in a constant stream of stimulations without worrying that I’d lose them. 

I was lucky enough to be raised in a family with a deep passion for traveling. so the exhilaration of visiting new places isn’t something new. But I wanted my trip to be beyond that. Self-discovery or development can occur at every point in life, but I really wanted this trip to be an intensive journey of trying to tackle some of the harder questions that have been on my mind. Some people believe that these are questions that we will never be able to answer until the day we are on our death beds, but I believe there’s merit in answering them to the degree that whatever projects or career you dive into are purposeful choices based on intrinsic motivations rather than a result of trends or societal expectations. So the questions I had in mind were: 

1. What drives you? 

2. What are some insights you have (about human nature, civilization, or the fields you are interested in) that very few people share?

The main reason for first question is that I genuinely believe that both happiness of an individual and the success of a conceptual innovator are contingent upon how well-developed his/her core belief is. “What drives you” is one of the questions that’d bring us closer to our core belief. Fancy one-liners such as “I want to have a positive impact in the world” or “I want to change the world” wouldn’t work. The answer has to be built from the ground up. What I meant by ground up is that I believe that there are things, and then there are the idea of things.  For example, there’s the passion for creating art, and then there’s the passion for the idea of art. A deep connection with the notion of pushing frontiers through creating something from scratch is the passion for art, wanting to be seen as artsy and appreciative of the finer things in life is the passion for the idea of art. Enjoying the process of experimenting with new business model is the passion for entrepreneurship, wanting to be known as a founder is the passion for the idea of entrepreneurship. It is not uncommon for people to be distracted and therefore waste their lives chasing after the wrong things that don’t make them happy. One thing I try desperately to avoid is letting the hyperbolic glamorization of individuals in the media distract me into wanting things that do not necessarily connect with my core motivations. Those are indicators of success, not success in of itself. It’s the difference between internalizing societal’s definition of greatness versus externalizing your own. In the long run, the creations that matter are those that have truly pushed frontiers by redefining what it means to be human, and that can only happen when people stick to their authentic self. Traveling, especially traveling alone, helps us focus on who we are, and not who we want to be. It’s almost like an incubation period for that so-called “authentic self”.

As for the second question, Peter Thiel does a great job in articulating why insights are important in his lecture, “Secrets”, so I won’t bother repeating it here.

I want to devote the next series of blog posts to capturing some of the inspirations I got from my travels. In a way, this is just a very personal attempt to clarify my thoughts and hopefully, capture my growth. Regardless, I hope they will provoke thoughts or at the very least, amuse the inner wanderlust in you. 

On 11th January, 26-year-old Aaron Swartz was found dead in his apartment. He has committed suicide.

It is hard to define Aaron Swartz. He was known as a precocious programmer who co-developed Reddit and RSS but beyond that, he had an uncompromising vision of how the open web and government should function. Fascinated by his life stories, I spent some time going through his personal website.

My personal blog has been relatively stagnant because I often get indulged in self-criticism towards my own writing before it has the chance to land on the world wide web. This is something I intend to change. But for now, I am inspired by how Aaron Swartz divided his blog up into a section on “raw thought”, and another on quotes and passages that inspired him. I never realized how much you can tell about a person’s vision, ambition, and values just by looking through what inspired him. 

I am starting this quote log to capture the writings and speeches that inspired, provoked, or amused me. On one hand, it is a great way for me to trace my growth. On the other hand, if I fail to make a mark in history through my dreams, I hope I can at least leave behind a rich collection of inspirations others can use to pursue theirs.

As for this blog, it will remain to be a platform for my raw thoughts. Now that I am back in Chicago from three months of traveling, I have thoughts to organize, and a wealth of stories to share.

I have come to believe that every decision we make in our live is essentially a bet. We are betting that the set of beliefs or assumptions behind our decisions are right.

Here’s an example: let’s say time is finite (i.e. we have 24 hours a day) and we have to allocate it between developing our internal (e.g. knowledge, skills, intelligence), and our external (branding, credentials). By devoting more time in accumulating knowledge and skills over maintaining this blog, I am betting that real substance will prevail over branding. I am betting that the world will eventually get tired of the excessive amount of self-promotion and noise in the web, and that it’s worthwhile to focus my energy into learning and creating quality products while I am still at a young age. It’s like putting in the effort and time to polish one’s lens to see better, and by “seeing better”, I am referring to the capacity to produce better insights than other people who are exposed to the same set of facts and observations.

This is my premise, and I could be very much be wrong. But I am making many of my day-to-day decisions based on this belief, so this “bet” will play a big part in how my life will eventually turn out. Our beliefs behind our bets determine our lives.

If this is the case, how do we increase our odds?

I tend to agree with Peter Thiel that people don’t seem to believe in anything anymore. If you ask the average college students from a top university what they want to do after they graduate, at least 60% (more so if they are an econ or business major) will tell you that they want to work for an investment bank or a consulting firm. When asked why, 90% of them will tell you it’s because (1) they open up new opportunities, (2) the industry is “competitive and challenging”, (3) they like working with smart people. It’s scary how these are repeated like some sort of a set doctrine. If you sit down and think about it, none of the above reasons are exclusive to the ibanking and consulting industries. In particular, doing something purely because it’s “competitive” means that you fighting over something just because a lot of people are also chasing after it.

The inherent assumption behind this is that if the crowd is fighting for it, it must be good. With more people jumping into this assumption without truly thinking, the size of the crowd increases in accelerating speed. Isn’t this a bubble in itself?

I believe that competition and value are not synonyms. There are a lot of industries that are competitive, but (excuse my political incorrectness), I do think that not every industry is equally valuable to humanity, or at least, not every industry is pushing humanity to the next frontier. Most industries are like the “back-end” of a company, making sure the world maintains its operation. They are important, but not necessarily as valuable. I believe that competition is an outcome, not a value proposition. There could be correlation between the two, but it shouldn’t be assumed. It’s dangerous to see competition as a value proposition, because you are then easily manipulated. It’s like if you throw out two bones (one quality one, one bad one) to a kennel of dogs, and then have the dogs fight over them. If the majority of the dogs are running towards the bad bone, does that make the bone any better? It’s irrational to think that it does.

One may argue that the process of fighting over the bad bone makes us stronger, but that’s about the only benefit competition has, and you are not even sure the “muscles” you built up over the course of the competition will be the ones that are applicable in the future. In the long term, being able to pick the “right bone” despite what the crowd tells you is more valuable than the muscles you gained by the competition.

After all, life’s short, and we only have that much time to do what matters to our hearts.

To believe in something, one has to develop introspection. We are all shaped by a certain degree of social engineering and pressure to conform. The easy default is to absorb what the society tells you like a sponge, and figure out the highest utility you can get as a function of your capacity and the state of the society. This usually works if you are comfortable with being the best among the mediocre. You may be considered “successful” at a specific point of time, but it will not be sustainable. If you analyze the most influential players in different industries, you will find out that they have a common factor: they usually have a liberal arts sort of mindset and develop a few specific beliefs of their own that’s relatively abstract and intellectual.

Ray Dalio has been named “the most influential hedge fund manager” for the past few years. What distinguishes him from other hedge-fund managers is his intellectual ambition. He is very keen to be seen as not just a  billionaire trader, but like his rival George Soros, he aspires to the role of worldly philosopher. He spends little time in staring at his computer screen or doing discounted cash flows, and focuses on figuring out how economic and financial events fit together in a coherent framework.

His beliefs are captured in “Principles,” a hundred-page text that is a required reading for Bridgewater’s new hires. It’s not your usual company introduction. It is partly a self-help book and partly a management manual. In other words, it’s Dalio’s personal “Bible”, a platform for him to express his beliefs and insights. It’s a documentation of the assumptions behind his bets.

There are many other examples of betting on beliefs. Steve Jobs is not just a CEO of a successful tech company. He is influential because he embodies a certain sets of philosophies: it’s okay to be different; “I know what you want more than you (customer) do”, and so on. These are the premise behind his bets, triggered down to the day-to-day operations of Apple. For instance, Apple barely does any customer research or surveys, and focuses just on what they believe are quality products. This is drastically different from how most companies are run, especially those that are selling consumer products. This is his “bet”.

Forming beliefs is the first step of making the bet, but successfully doing so doesn’t necessarily lead to a positive outcome. But not doing so and just following the path most traveled by, you are making the assumption that the crowd always develop the most intelligent beliefs. Whether this is true is too long of a discussion to be included here. But if you look at the short span of human history, it seems that we will be better off thinking for ourselves.

Happy independent thinking, and, in the words of the game officials from the Hunger Games, “may the odds be ever in your favor”.

• go through all the notes of classes taken and develop a document of insights/ takeaways
• gain experience at a VC firm
• learn Ruby on Rails, html, css, javascript, and C++ 
• try a 7-day cleanse/detox diet 
• obtain reading lists of classes you were interested in but never had time to take; create your own self-development curriculum to be followed through within 3 months
• do a road trip/spring break adventure with best friends 
• study abroad
• start learning Italian and Japanese 
• develop lasting relationship with several mentors/ professors 
• experience psychotherapy 
• learn flamenco, belly dancing, ballroom dancing, and tango
• develop a strong art portfolio
• hold a solo art exhibition
• climb a mountain
• see the northern light in alaska 
• get in the yelp elite squad 
• intern abroad in London or Switzerland  
• tried at least 2/3 of the michelin-stared restaurants in chicago, and 1/4 in paris
• develop a workout routine…and stick to it 
• develop a systematic way of improving your writing
• join the toastmasters
• go through the dale carnegie institute training
• produce a film/ video
• finish a feature-length screenplay
• go skydiving 
• learn meditation 
• get a US driver’s license
• finish personal website 
• master lock-picking  
• learn poker and bridge
• learn how to bike… (I know how embarrassing this sounds)
• get certified as a mixologist or a sommelier 
• get certified in diving 
• stay at the Elephant Sanctuary in TN (www.elephants.com) or Nairobi for at least two weeks
• go through a formal three weeks min. training to improve golf swing
• master 5 more softwares 
• develop a habit of at least 15 minutes of yoga per day
• write KIT for Pearson
• start a personal “bible” that captures all the inspirations+insights+ideas you developed 

The stuff that truly matters happen in silence: loyalty unuttered but demonstrated, and dreams undeclared but executed.

I have been a prisoner of myself, prisoner of style, prisoner of reputation, prisoner of success, prisoner of likability, prisoner of insecurity, prisoner of wanting to impress, etc. 

Time for a jail break. 

Nobody tells this to people who are beginners, I wish someone told me. All of us who do creative work, we get into it because we have good taste. But there is this gap. For the first couple years you make stuff, it’s just not that good. It’s trying to be good, it has potential, but it’s not. But your taste, the thing that got you into the game, is still killer. And your taste is why your work disappoints you.

A lot of people never get past this phase, they quit. Most people I know who do interesting, creative work went through years of this. We know our work doesn’t have this special thing that we want it to have.

We all go through this. And if you are just starting out or you are still in this phase, you gotta know its normal and the most important thing you can do is do a lot of work. Put yourself on a deadline so that every week you will finish one story. It is only by going through a volume of work that you will close that gap, and your work will be as good as your ambitions. And I took longer to figure out how to do this than anyone I’ve ever met. It’s gonna take awhile. It’s normal to take awhile.

You’ve just gotta fight your way through.

-Ira Glass

Leaders are not what many people think–people with huge crowds following them. Leaders are people who go their own way without caring, or even looking to see whether anyone is following them. “Leadership qualities” are not the qualities that enable people to attract followers, but those that enable them to do without them. The include, at the very least, courage, endurance, patience, humor, flexibility, resourcefulness, determination, a keen sense of reality, and the ability to keep a cool and clear head even when things are going badly. This is the opposite of the “charisma” that we hear so much about.

-John Holt 

I have yet been able to define what this blog means to me. 

What I do know, however, is what I don’t want my blog to be:

1. A platform for upfront self-promotion

-The world is overdosed with self-promotion, salesmanship and name-dropping. I promise that every word on this blog is genuine and straight from the heart. 

2. A tool to show my passion for specific outcomes. 

-If some of my writings reflect my passion, so be it. But I did not start this blog so I could create a better online branding for certain outcomes (e.g. get into an incubator program, get a job, etc). Enough people are doing that. 

Here, I just want to be my authentic self.